Quiet For Thinking
He won’t let us go. Marley is crying beside me. At times when she was four and I was eight I thought about hurting her. Not hard or permanent but just so that she would stop crying. I never did it but I thought about it. Johnny, this kid in my math class was always loud but only in a mean way. He kept laughing before class started. Talking about his sister being so stupid and how his mom and dad would let him push her around. I couldn’t believe that. I mean I thought that all dads were kind of messed up in the head but my mom had been nice. Not always but she had tried. I thought everything Johnny was saying must be lies but he told us that he enjoyed pushing his sister around. Enjoyed it like he enjoyed crashing his race cars against the side of buildings. And driving them off of ledges. Something inside me had felt wrong, or hurt at that. I thought of Johnny hurting his sister and I got angry. Angry at him for picking on someone who wasn’t even half his size. Marley started crying harder and I shushed her. Shut up I think I said. Shut up I said again. And I felt the spit behind my lip starting to come out. I didn’t say it loud but in like a loud whisper ’cause or else he would hear. Not like he would care, but I didn’t want him hearing. I wasn’t like Johnny. I didn’t want to be like Johnny with his crazy smile and his crazy laugh. I didn’t even want to shush Marley, she just wouldn’t quit it. My hands were shaking, so I wiped them on my jeans and turned back to Marley. I used to think about smacking her to make her shut up. I could see my hand raise and swing and maybe Marley would end up on the floor, or maybe I would just keep hitting her until she had no face. She looked up at me and tried to wipe her crying. I put my arm on her shoulder and did my best to be gentle. I told her sorry for yelling but that I needed quiet for thinking. She nodded just a little and I thought how small she was but still so trusting of me. I nodded too and looked back out the crack of the door. I could see the hallway and I knew the front door was just around it. But I couldn’t tell if he was asleep in the living room. I was afraid. I didn’t want to be but I was afraid. Even if I got us to the door, where would we go? My shoulder started hurting again. The pain always comes around when thoughts stop coming so I always tried to keep thinking. Thinking of a way out, of who could help us. Marley brushed my hand so I held hers in mine. I think it gives her hope or safety. I squeezed a bit to say the same.
