7 ways a Secure person calms down when she desperately wants a relationship
Listen I don’t know if everyone has these moments but I do. Like literally the desperate feeling can be so crippling I’d rather tear my arm off. It’s also embarrassing. Where the fuck do I get off feeling so desperate.
Maybe you’ve thought the same. Maybe like me you’re Ms. Independent, but then all of a sudden you’re on your knees begging a deity for love. Figuratively.
You’re not crazy. Loneliness happens. People need people. We are hardwired for affection.
But you don’t want to feel desperate. Unfortunately I know too many singles who would classify themselves in the desperate realm of dating. Most of the time it’s the unknown that makes people desperate. Basically, not knowing when you’ll find the one. Or worse not knowing if you’ll find the one.
No One Out There
When we are desperate we are are in a temporary Bermuda Triangle. We are in moments when nothing else is happening and we turn around and no one’s there to listen to our day or our jokes or that TikTok video we found hilarious. No one is there to share a meal with, to Netflix with, to have wine with. No one is there. No we romantically like is there.
Listen that’s why so many people don’t know how to be single because they latch on to whomever in order to not feel the alone. They have become so accustomed to functioning with a partner that they don’t know who they are without one.
You Know Who You Are
But you’re different. You know who you are. You work. You work long and hard. You are dedicated to your work. Or your education. Or your health. Or your hobbies. All of it. You found your purpose and pursue it.
But every now and then, while you patiently wait for the one, you feel desperate for a relationship.
You’re Finally Ready
Here’s your truth. You are finally ready for someone and you’ve been waiting a long time. You’ve learned to focus on your career, your hobbies, your friends, and your family. Despite all of this, tomorrow you might just break down and cry because it’s been ten years (or one month) and you still have no one. Sometimes you want to throw in the towel.
I’m right there with you. Don’t throw in the towel.
For some perspective, my mother was single for 13 years after her divorce before finding her now current boyfriend. My boss was single for 20 years before finding his partner and starting a family.
Predicting The Future
But this needy, sad, lonely feeling isn’t the end of the world. It’s your body reminding you that finding a life long partner is still something you want. Kind of like when your stomach grumbles because you forgot to feed it.
Listen, nor you or I can predict when we will meet our forever person. The next person you entangle yourself with might not even be them. And we also can’t predict how long the wait will be.
Until we meet the one, how do we make those needy moments easier? Below I’ve detailed how I travel out of this temporary Bermuda Triangle. Hopefully these methods or a combination of them will work for you.
*Note, I’ve never had to combine more than three methods in a day to stop feeling so desperate.
The Remedies
Sleep
Ever been so tired you’ve made poor decisions? I have. You might be feeling lonely because you’re actually tired. A more energized you might not have even given the lonely feeling a second thought. Go get some rest, then see if you still feel needy when you wake.
Eat
The same way our minds get loopy when we are sleepy is how they get when we are hungry. Emotions like anger and sadness get out of wack and need to be leveled off. Eat a snack or a meal. Sometimes I buy low calorie ice cream or dark chocolate for these such occasions. Other times I’m not really hungry so drinking tea or coffee helps. The point is to make sure we’ve eaten, not to eat recklessly.
Write a letter
This could also be considered journaling if that works for you. For me any form of writing helps, even lists of to do’s or future goals. Sometimes I just record my own audio conversations to let my thoughts out. That’s right, I talk to myself.
I have to ask, if you’re a woman, is it that time of the month? — As a woman I can attest, do not expect anything rational from our hearts or brains when our hormones are out of wack. Sad movies get sadder. Vulnerability becomes more vulnerable. So of course our neediness becomes more needy.
Go outside
You’re gonna throw this one out at first. Because I usually do. Luckily for me my dog has a bladder that needs to be emptied several times a day. So I take him for a walk and I never regret it. The reason why I grumble about it at first is because I forget the benefits of outside. The sun has a way of making my day more cheerful not to mention the vitamin D. Even feeling a breeze or a shiver can move my focus elsewhere. If the weather is poor I use proper attire and put on my headphones and listen to only feel good songs. Leave the sad or angry songs for another time.
Exercise/Meditate
Recently I tried my first meditation. Focusing on my breathing really helped me focus intently on my present. I felt like I became more conscious of my lungs and limbs. I also love to workout whenever I am feeling extra emotional and I find that strength training is better for me in these circumstances. If I run I find my mind wandering again so I don’t do the cardio. Instead I lift weights. When I’m lifting weights I’m concentrating on posture and technique in order to maximize the effort and avoid injury and that usually works wonders for my mental thoughts.
Take a bath
Epsom salts. That’s enough said but I’ve had friends recommend certain scents or other bath salts that are made to relax or make you sleepy. But any bath for me really makes me feel like I’ve done something fantastic and it is my reward. I don’t know why but I feel more royal when I am taking a bath. And royal people don’t concern themselves with neediness.
Have self sex
Masturbation can be your cure. Now obviously this isn’t for those who don’t consider it an option because they are practicing abstinence or celibacy. But if you are interested in using this method know that it provides the same benefits of exercise. You might actually find out more about yourself. Don’t just do the same old same old. Try it in a bath. Or maybe toys. If sex is a way of building a deeper connection with a partner then why wouldn’t it be a way to build a deeper connection with ourselves?
Hey friends 👋 thanks so much for reading my words. Don’t lose your mind while waiting for the one. Remember that we can’t predict when it will happen. But if you think that it won’t be just as great in your 60's as it will be next year then you’ve already lost your faith. If being proactive gives you peace of mind then go date and play the numbers game. In the meantime apply some desperate remedies for those desperate times in between.
Bye y’all 👋
